What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.