“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
This is the one
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping