“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby