“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you