“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
We need more people like this.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.