What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.