What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”