my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
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driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point