Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
happy mother’s day❤️
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.