white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣