I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat