If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”