“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
This classic never gets old . . .
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.