I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18