what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve