what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?