what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?