what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Cool shirt 🙂
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?