what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.