What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.