What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.