@Aspersioncast: What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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@JonasPolsky: Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
@WheelTod: [I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife's underwear] But that means... [Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
@Tharin_P: Brain: he must study-how? *Hormones raise hand* H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life? B: *whispers* It's for his own good.