What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”