i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
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When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Somebody call the cops.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.