If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
You Might Also Like
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.