“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
#MeanwhileInCanada
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.