@Lance_Said_This: What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there's no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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@NikatNiteNite: Men go to bars for 2 reasons: 1) They don't have a wife to go home to. 2) They have a wife to go home to.
@SarraBeth: "What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.
@TheTimmyToes: [on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse