I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
another case of gang violins
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Every photo I’m tagged in
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.