Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
You Might Also Like
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.