Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.