Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Aight bet
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Ugh but profoundly
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out