What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.