@AndyAsAdjective: What they don't tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
@KimmyMonte: [Jesus' dating profile] I love wine that's made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have? 6yo: $60 Me: That's correct, son.
@mortimermaiden: Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?! Me: Yup. Friend: Wow. What's it mean? Me: It means I can't remove it.