What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?