What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap