(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.