What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.