What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Worth the read.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…