What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.