@jdforshort: If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@TheToddWilliams: Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@notfaizzy: My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

@SirEviscerate: *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad* ooooh yeah *raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo* nooooo *punches hole in wall*

@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation