@jdforshort: If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
@TheToddWilliams: Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki--
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
@notfaizzy: My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
@SirEviscerate: *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
@david8hughes: [identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: ...
Me: ...
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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