What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Bill is short for Billiam
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.