What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
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You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
as is their right
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.