What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
#CoronaOutbreak
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
This line from Airplane.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.