“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Ron is short for Aaronald
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.