i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.