– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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August 8
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Meme Monday.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
what is cheese if not milk persevering
my proudest tweet
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster