What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
i did the math
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
choose your fighter
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
is this how new cars are made??
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send