What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
You Might Also Like
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Some people were born into their job.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this