What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first