@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
@thatUPSdude: Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
@sarcasticmommy4: 13: Mom, you look younger every day. M: What do you want? 13: A new skateboard. M: How young? 13: 29 M: Done.
@whippedjelli: if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you've been swimming which is athletic not lazy