@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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@MauriceBlitz: I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't.
@TheEighthKnight: Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
@Stellacopter: If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.