@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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@Cheeseboy22: Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."
@soanim8ed: Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?" Where else would people put th... Ooooooh.
@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
@jackmackenroth: If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.