@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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@senderblock23: Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.
@hippieswordfish: *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
@MrMichaelRose: I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
@natalayhehoo: If I ever want to hide something from my husband I'd put it in the dishwasher- he'd never look in there