What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?