What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Breaking news:
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon