What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I think about this a lot
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀