What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
You Might Also Like
“I wouldn’t.”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*