@kashanacauley: What we've learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.
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@drewtoothpaste: I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it's important.
@XplodingUnicorn: The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
@GoldenSpirals: Me: Goodnight Moon. Moon: Don't "Goodnight" me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?