The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”