What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
These are my roll models.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.