“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”